I just cycled again for another two hours. I cycle hard still but mostly I cycle slower now. My right eye is looking nasty, it has a gray tint in the white that will turn yellow if I cannot move this jaundice that is causing it out of my liver. Right eye looks fine, its still quite white. Its spleen side. Both organs are quite swollen. I just keep on riding. I have reached the point where I have to ride on the fatigue, keep pushing until I am feeling like riding. My liver holds very little energy so its a hard push to cycle two hours out here in the country and I am now off road a lot taking a wham bam busting ass off the seat ride over some of the terrain out here. Too bad I do not feel like riding, got to ride anyway. There is no other way to keep the jaundice and ascites at bay. My liver does not circulate blood and oxygen thru it of its own ability, thats gone. Once I cannot do this, the doctors will take over and their medicine is not healthy but it will keep my organs alive but it cannot do much more than that. They will stick their needles into my belly and draw the fluid out of my belly. My eyes will turn yellow as the jaundice takes over the liver because I am not circulating oxygen and blood thru hard exercise. My organs are swollen so tightly. Bloody hell what a fight to live but at least I can still try. I know the day will come when I am flat and will live in memory only because finally this liver disease is not going to let me up again. I sure as hell spend a lot of time now resting. I cannot do in one week what I used to accomplish in one day. Its a mind fuck that I see and avoid. Its not an attitude I can allow myself to hold onto as it will end my life as I know it and my life as I know it today is still worth fighting for so fight, I will. Its going to be a hard grip that finally holds me down. I am willing to bet I can last a long time just on memory once it does nail me to my bed. Looks like I am running out of everything, god damn it but I did it to myself, a needle into my arm for a boy at the age of 20 then at 28 I began drinking and dreaded the idea of not drinking so drink I did. I am Cherokee in part so I was one hell of a powerful drinker. I traded everything I had, everything I knew since I was young to pull myself up this one last time and live. I have been sober since 2004 and fighting. I have been thru two treatments since then. I have moved to this island which is all about movement and there is no shortage of people here lost in the pursuit of getting everything they can every day. I would not have lasted this long without moving here. The east was too cold, New York City was too demanding. After the first treatment in 2004, I was not the same person any longer. After giving up booze, I was not the same person any longer. I packed up what I knew of myself and brought it here to see if there was no more to me than the bit that was left, the bit that I did not destroy and there was. I became someone I never knew that lived right inside my soul. I was always that close to this person I have made myself but I could not see her as my life was about drinking and I hung with the boozers. In 2001, I left to go to NYC where I could immerse myself in my photography and be around mature adults that did not use booze to get thru life. I couldn't do it either until I was diagnosed with this awful disease in 2003 then I had the biggest reason in the world to let it go, cut the cord that ran from my being to booze. I still remember moving here, knowing no one except a couple in town that I became friends with long before any of this arrived on my door step. But they were in town and I was in the country so essentially I was alone on an island. I stood in the shower and cried most days because I did not want anyone in my complex to know I was so heart broken and alone. I had a roommate and I did not want her to know of my grief and struggle either. I could not ride a bike, I could not go into the ocean, my legs were too weak, my arms too weak, my fear too large so one day, one moment at a time I pushed myself forward. Now with liver cancer I am still cycling 2 hours stretches even in the hot sun. I can pick up my race bike and carry it up a good flight of stairs, it weighs 25 pounds. Two years ago it was hard to do now its a piece of cake even with liver disease. I can still hoop dance for hours. I am a strong swimmer, I created my own style. I can hike for a couple of hours. No one knows I am ill. Everyone thinks I am strong, healthy and that I am not ill and dying. If they could feel what I do they would feel the years of struggle building up, the disease blocking more and more of the room my organs need to circulate blood and oxygen.They would feel at least a tinge of death living in them and if they had almost bleed to death and had two transfusions, walked around with barely an ability to clot blood and a gut full of varaces then they too might feel a tinge of fear. I have learned the hard way by pushing myself that I can look fear right in the eye and keep pushing. I hope I never lose my focus.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Running on the fumes of exhaustion: June 2015
I just cycled again for another two hours. I cycle hard still but mostly I cycle slower now. My right eye is looking nasty, it has a gray tint in the white that will turn yellow if I cannot move this jaundice that is causing it out of my liver. Right eye looks fine, its still quite white. Its spleen side. Both organs are quite swollen. I just keep on riding. I have reached the point where I have to ride on the fatigue, keep pushing until I am feeling like riding. My liver holds very little energy so its a hard push to cycle two hours out here in the country and I am now off road a lot taking a wham bam busting ass off the seat ride over some of the terrain out here. Too bad I do not feel like riding, got to ride anyway. There is no other way to keep the jaundice and ascites at bay. My liver does not circulate blood and oxygen thru it of its own ability, thats gone. Once I cannot do this, the doctors will take over and their medicine is not healthy but it will keep my organs alive but it cannot do much more than that. They will stick their needles into my belly and draw the fluid out of my belly. My eyes will turn yellow as the jaundice takes over the liver because I am not circulating oxygen and blood thru hard exercise. My organs are swollen so tightly. Bloody hell what a fight to live but at least I can still try. I know the day will come when I am flat and will live in memory only because finally this liver disease is not going to let me up again. I sure as hell spend a lot of time now resting. I cannot do in one week what I used to accomplish in one day. Its a mind fuck that I see and avoid. Its not an attitude I can allow myself to hold onto as it will end my life as I know it and my life as I know it today is still worth fighting for so fight, I will. Its going to be a hard grip that finally holds me down. I am willing to bet I can last a long time just on memory once it does nail me to my bed. Looks like I am running out of everything, god damn it but I did it to myself, a needle into my arm for a boy at the age of 20 then at 28 I began drinking and dreaded the idea of not drinking so drink I did. I am Cherokee in part so I was one hell of a powerful drinker. I traded everything I had, everything I knew since I was young to pull myself up this one last time and live. I have been sober since 2004 and fighting. I have been thru two treatments since then. I have moved to this island which is all about movement and there is no shortage of people here lost in the pursuit of getting everything they can every day. I would not have lasted this long without moving here. The east was too cold, New York City was too demanding. After the first treatment in 2004, I was not the same person any longer. After giving up booze, I was not the same person any longer. I packed up what I knew of myself and brought it here to see if there was no more to me than the bit that was left, the bit that I did not destroy and there was. I became someone I never knew that lived right inside my soul. I was always that close to this person I have made myself but I could not see her as my life was about drinking and I hung with the boozers. In 2001, I left to go to NYC where I could immerse myself in my photography and be around mature adults that did not use booze to get thru life. I couldn't do it either until I was diagnosed with this awful disease in 2003 then I had the biggest reason in the world to let it go, cut the cord that ran from my being to booze. I still remember moving here, knowing no one except a couple in town that I became friends with long before any of this arrived on my door step. But they were in town and I was in the country so essentially I was alone on an island. I stood in the shower and cried most days because I did not want anyone in my complex to know I was so heart broken and alone. I had a roommate and I did not want her to know of my grief and struggle either. I could not ride a bike, I could not go into the ocean, my legs were too weak, my arms too weak, my fear too large so one day, one moment at a time I pushed myself forward. Now with liver cancer I am still cycling 2 hours stretches even in the hot sun. I can pick up my race bike and carry it up a good flight of stairs, it weighs 25 pounds. Two years ago it was hard to do now its a piece of cake even with liver disease. I can still hoop dance for hours. I am a strong swimmer, I created my own style. I can hike for a couple of hours. No one knows I am ill. Everyone thinks I am strong, healthy and that I am not ill and dying. If they could feel what I do they would feel the years of struggle building up, the disease blocking more and more of the room my organs need to circulate blood and oxygen.They would feel at least a tinge of death living in them and if they had almost bleed to death and had two transfusions, walked around with barely an ability to clot blood and a gut full of varaces then they too might feel a tinge of fear. I have learned the hard way by pushing myself that I can look fear right in the eye and keep pushing. I hope I never lose my focus.
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